Becoming a Lotus Flower
The Lotus flower represents something that many of us can relate to. I think that the blog "After silence" described it best:
"The lotus flower grows out of mud. Yet, it rises above the surface clean, blooms with remarkable beauty, and its beauty remains untouched by the mud. The flower closes and sinks underwater at night, but it rises and opens again at dawn.
Lotus flowers have strong symbolic ties to survivors. They start as small flowers down at the very bottom of a pond and then slowly grow and rise towards the surface, continually moving towards the light. Once the lotus flower has reached the surface of the water, it begins to blossom and turns into a magnificent flower.
The lotus flower is a symbol for courage, purity, and awakening, and it mirrors survivors' journey toward healing and recovery. Like the lotus flower, survivors have been at the bottom of the pond but can rise above it to show their worth, courage, and untouched beauty."
Now you may be asking what could she possibly be a survivor for?
I never planned on sharing this to the world especially on a platform like this, but I feel that a big part of my healing process is sharing my story with others and hopefully being able to help other survivors. So here it goes...
I am a survivor of sexual assault.
The key word in that sentence is survivor. I have survived and I feel that I am so much stronger because of it.
When I had shared my story with people so many of them are surprised at how well I was handling it. I believe that the biggest reason I was able to handle it so well is because I was blacked out and don't remember a thing that had happened to me.
The hardest thing I feel like I had to deal with was actually the fact that I had no idea what had happened to my body, therefor I felt in such little control of my own body, I didn't feel like my body was mine at all.
I unlike many others I had reported the incident hoping to get justice. That's when I was hit with the reality of how the justice system works for sexual assault victims. I was taken to a clinic where I had felt that I completely lost my own body. Don't get me wrong the people at the clinic where so kind and so supportive I couldn't have asked for better service. It was just the fact that they were examining every inch of my body made me feel so not in control and completely exposed.
The police had figured out thankful to the security cameras installed in the dorms that another athlete whos name I shall not state had taken me to my dorm that night and left about an hour later slightly a mess which made it obvious that something had happened. So they brought him in and he admitted to having sex with me but in his mind believed it was completely consensual.
That is where he put fuel to the fire. I don't remember a thing about that night, therefor how in the world could i be in a state to give consent. Yet because I can't remember anything there was no evidence beyond reasonable doubt, even though he had admitted to having sex with me. They say that they are waiting for the DNA results to come back on all the evidence, and hear this...it takes 6 months to a year for DNA evidence on a sexual assault case to get processed because of the back log of cases.
So many people wonder why so many cases of rape go unreported and this is one of the big reasons why. They don't want to go through this exposing and difficult process to no get any justice at all. We as survivors have a hard time as is dealing with the emotional and mental aspect of this event, and to think that the person who caused this gets to walk away with nothing differently.
He got to graduate last weekend, he gets to live his life freely. I will always be affected by this, from the confidence in my own body, to getting a little fear every time a person walks behind me. Even when a stranger touches me I freak out just a little. I occasionally still have nightmares and panic attacks when I am reminded what had happened, yet he gets to live his life normally forever thinking that he did nothing wrong.
This experience like I had said before has made me stronger and has created bonds with people who were never there. I had started to hear stories from other survivors who had heard what happened and wanted to share there experience. Even though not one survivors experience is the same we can all connect on a certain emotional level and find comfort in each other. When I had shared my story with people so many of them are surprised at how well I was handling it. I believe that the biggest reason I was able to handle it so well is because I was blacked out and don't remember a thing that had happened to me.
The hardest thing I feel like I had to deal with was actually the fact that I had no idea what had happened to my body, therefor I felt in such little control of my own body, I didn't feel like my body was mine at all.
I unlike many others I had reported the incident hoping to get justice. That's when I was hit with the reality of how the justice system works for sexual assault victims. I was taken to a clinic where I had felt that I completely lost my own body. Don't get me wrong the people at the clinic where so kind and so supportive I couldn't have asked for better service. It was just the fact that they were examining every inch of my body made me feel so not in control and completely exposed.
The police had figured out thankful to the security cameras installed in the dorms that another athlete whos name I shall not state had taken me to my dorm that night and left about an hour later slightly a mess which made it obvious that something had happened. So they brought him in and he admitted to having sex with me but in his mind believed it was completely consensual.
That is where he put fuel to the fire. I don't remember a thing about that night, therefor how in the world could i be in a state to give consent. Yet because I can't remember anything there was no evidence beyond reasonable doubt, even though he had admitted to having sex with me. They say that they are waiting for the DNA results to come back on all the evidence, and hear this...it takes 6 months to a year for DNA evidence on a sexual assault case to get processed because of the back log of cases.
So many people wonder why so many cases of rape go unreported and this is one of the big reasons why. They don't want to go through this exposing and difficult process to no get any justice at all. We as survivors have a hard time as is dealing with the emotional and mental aspect of this event, and to think that the person who caused this gets to walk away with nothing differently.
He got to graduate last weekend, he gets to live his life freely. I will always be affected by this, from the confidence in my own body, to getting a little fear every time a person walks behind me. Even when a stranger touches me I freak out just a little. I occasionally still have nightmares and panic attacks when I am reminded what had happened, yet he gets to live his life normally forever thinking that he did nothing wrong.
My own teammate had shared her story with me and I was in complete shock. She shared her challenges and how she had overcome them. She is one of the strongest people I know and she has made her experience in to such a positive think. She is currently writing a book to share her experience with others. The lovely Lotus by Lauren Conati is a short video she released on Facebook that actually inspired me to share my story on here. If any of you who are reading this as a survivor and would like someone to talk I am always here. It not only part of our healing process to talk about it and sort through those emotions but it will help me as a survivor in my own healing process.
Things like this can only make me stronger and I will continue to heal, and be healthy happy and humble.
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